Good afternoon, dear reader,
I happened upon this missive, and I felt it was an interesting read in relation to my Nubian Underworld series, and here’s why I say that.
In fiction, and even in the BDSM world itself, submissives tend to place their Dominants on a pedestal, elevating them to near godlike status. Now, while they don’t exactly feel that their Dominant is God/Allah/Jehovah/Yahweh and so forth, they do tend to think that their Dominant doesn’t have an off day, or a bad day, or is always “on.”
Nothing could be further from the truth.
We do have off days…
We do have bad days…
We’re sometimes in need of letting go, as quiet as it is kept…
Even in my series, I showed the human side of my Dominant characters, even allowing the submissives to actually “take” some power away from them, in the goal of helping them relax and get through a rough day. You’ll have to pick up my books to see what I’m talking about.
At either rate, here is the article I was prefacing…I hope you find it as enlightening as I did, even though I think it’s old hat for us old heads in the realm LOL
See you soon!
How to Care For your Dom
By Suzy Celli on Thursday, April 3, 2014 at 7:23am
Dominants are expected to be strong. We hope they’re strong enough to guide us/ care for us on our journey…such trust there is in a D/s relationship! In power exchange I get to slowly hand over the power I have over myself and my decisions to him. Why? Because he’s worth it. Because I trust him enough to give everything I have/am to him. I watch him, please him, love him…what pressure our loving Masters must be under!! I realized that having someone watch me lead by example and hand their body to me for safekeeping…would eventually feel like pressure. The pressure to never fail, never have a bad moment, and often we hold them to superhuman standards. Most days they succeed in being our Supermen. Most days we get to adore them and give ourselves over completely to their (our) most delicious secrets/ desire/ needs…but what about the bad days?
What about the day Daddy comes home from work after getting laid off? Maybe just a writeup or a speeding ticket? Something human…just a bad day. On that day how do we care for them? How do we show them that we care about their feelings too? The first is to remember they are human and have feelings and that BDSM is work. We choose to live in an intense world full of intense dynamics.
Why? It’s worth it.
For the Dominant side…they make the decisions. Decisions are hard work. Remember when I said “get to” give away decisions…some days i don’t want to decide squat. They put work into scene ideas, often they buy/make/carry all the toys and use you. They also have a vested interest in who you are and your personal well being. It seems like caring for a very rare, very fun, very high maintenance pet. Sometimes they need a breather. I can completely understand why. Has anyone ever owned a large cat? They take hours of care a day. They eat more than you can imagine. They can eat you. I still think they’re a lot less maintenance than a full time submissive. We need to, as submissives, be aware of how much work goes into BDSM — emotionally and physically — for both sides. We’re not the only ones baring our souls here.
I realized it’s so simple and elegant…and Dominants are often easier than vanilla guys to care for. Why? Because most of the time they’ll tell you what they want. Simplicity…for the sake of the post I’m speaking of male Dominants. What are they? Men. People. Take care of them in special ways specific to your dynamic…and then do something else. Take into consideration that these men may just want to cuddle and lie on the couch. Do his laundry for him or make a special meal. Cut him some slack to be human. Be there for him…that’s what we get to do to thank them for what they do for us. Act like a particularly subbie girlfriend…remember when we fawned over and woo’ed our men?
Be open and honest in your communication. If you don’t tell him what you need he will not know intrinsically. You must be willing to be brave and emotionally vulnerable to truly care for your Dominant and to honestly expect him to take care of you. If you are available in every way then you will learn what he needs even on the days when he doesn’t feel so Domly. Sometimes a gentle hug or a sweet kiss…no lusty overtones…just a kiss to say “I empathize…I’m sorry you’re having a bad day…I’m here for you if you need me for anything.”
Allow him to talk to you…and be interested. We get the lion’s share of the attention in this dynamic. When he’s emotionally drained or just kind of mentally beat up then we should help to recharge him. If he needs to talk, allow him the space to vent. Even if it’s about you. Sometimes it’s as simple as giving him time to play his video games or something fun and mundane like getting out of town with friends. We live in an intense world full of intense interactions and intense protocol…and once in a while everyone needs a break.
If he’s tired/drained/done with this day…don’t pressure him to play. How would you feel if your cat died and he came home and dominated you? I would feel bad about it…on top of which my freaking cat died…worse day. I hate feeling pressured…constricted…micromanaged. If I hate it odds are good he does too.
Don’t nag or pressure. Don’t act out for attention because you want it when he doesn’t have the emotional energy to give it to you. Give him a break. Let the man eat a cheeseburger and watch a ballgame without having to put on his superhero cape. If you’re good to him and help his heart heal maybe he’ll put his cape back on tomorrow. Today, love this human being who is such a rare and precious find.
Live in your moment. Remember that you never get this time back. You get the future. Enjoy it. Enjoy him. Enjoy every bit of intimacy you explore. Remember that if he has a bad day and you treat him with respect, empathy, kindness…he’s likely to do the same for you when you let your best friend cut your hair and you end up with a mullet. Bad days happen for us all. If we’re really lucky we have someone’s support to help us through. This is universal and applies to both sides of the slash.
◾Recognize he’s human.
◾Recognize that BDSM is intense and it is work.
◾Be empathetic, kind, and available.